Oh, My Kamui!™
by BokuWaSakurazukamori
Summary: Kamui: "THIS 'FIC SUCKS!" (Author: :: thwaps Kamui ::: Shut up and look bishounen!)
1. Oh, My Kamui!™, Chapter I: Tokyo Tawa

**Disclaimer:** How many of CLAMP's characters do I own? ZERO. Absolutely NONE of them! Same thing for any of Sunrise's characters, Gainax's characters, and whatever other studio's or manga-ka's characters which I use in this 'fic. Moreover, very few of these characters are going to stay extremely true to their personalities . . . this is a parody, people! Cthulhu, myself, and Kakyou's slave girl are original inventions unique to this fiction.

**Rating:** I know it say PG or PG-13 at the moment, but I'm thinking of changing it to R. There's some naughty language and terrible innuendos, just to clarify as such. Sexual implications are a staple of CLAMP, as any true otaku should know. If cursing and sexual implications bother you, DO NOT READ THIS. I'm the author here, not any of you, so none of you should be able to dictate to me what is "too inappropriate" for my work. Again, if you don't like it, don't read it. It doesn't get much simpler than that.

Otherwise, ENJOY! and on with the show!,

Mark

"**Oh, My Kamui!"™  
Episode 1  
"Tokyo Tawa"  
**  
"Waugh-haugh-haugh hah! Mwaugh-haugh-haugh-hah-hah-haugh haugh!" overcaffeinated laughter rang like echolalia throughout the observation deck of Tokyo Tawa. "Waugh-haugh-haugh! Kamui, the time has finally come! Three years after we were (ahem) _supposed_ to battle atop Tokyo Tawa, the final Apocalyptic Battle is at hand! All six of your Seals were caught with their hands in Kanoe's cookie jar, so they have been accordingly disqualified!"

It was, of course, none other than the ultimate sadistic _seme_ himself, Monou Fuuma would stood gloatingly over Shirou Kamui on the roof of Tokyo Tawa's observation deck.  
  
"Fuuma—", Kamui attempted to respond.  
  
"You mean Kamui, Kamui. You see, even though you are Kamui and have chosen to be Kamui; I am Kamui, Kamui's twin star and complementing force, which makes me Kamui. You see, Kamui, it's simple. I'm Kamui and I'm destined to kill Kamui, ergo you being Kamui results such that I, Kamui, must kill you. Because you're Kamui, Kamui." Fuuma grinned in a slightly less-than-sane manner, having thoroughly enjoyed his synopsis of their current situation. Kamui had long since face-faulted.  
  
"Okay,..._Kamui_," Kamui said, pulling himself to his feet and dusting his cloak off. Fuuma mirrored him. Kamui shifted his weight, opening his mouth to continue making whatever nonexistent point he was fully intent upon making, which the readers shall be spared from as a lengthy explanation will be needed that the author of this fan fiction doesn't feel like writing. Again, Fuuma mirrored his motion, with a standard deviation of 0.000125 of a centimeter from the exact position Kamui had assumed. Kamui glared at Fuuma. Fuuma glared back. Simultaneously, they turned away from one another in an incensed fashion, speaking in perfect unison.  
  
"Stop mimicking me!" Kamui and Fuuma shouted in opposite directions. Kamui nearly swung around to pop Fuuma one, but instead, he held the same pose for well over ten minutes. After eleven minutes and eleven seconds, give or take an hour or so, Fuuma sat down in midair and began to file his fingernails with Shinken-Number-One.  
  
Kamui spun on his heel, hollering, "I WIN!" only to find Fuuma had predicted his precise position and managed to fit in his own "I WIN!" about a picosecond after Kamui's own "I WIN!" began to depart from his lips.  
  
Kamui smacked his own forehead in utter irritation, but Fuuma apparently had grown tired of playing "Dark Ka—". . . err. . ."_Shadow_-Kamui". Hah hah hah . . . ah, yes, what fun bad puns make for!  
  
"Umm, nut jobs in the black capes?" a melodiously rude voice sounded from behind Kamui. Fuuma quirked his head to one side in order to gaze over Kamui's shoulder to find the voice's source. A girl almost as tall as Kamui himself was standing just beyond him, wearing a ridiculous blue suit of armor. She carried a rapier with her, and her eyes and hair matched her costume's hue down to within a shade of one another. Her hair looked as though she had ironed it straight that morning...so straight, in fact, that Fuuma suddenly felt the urge to use it like a straight razor and pin Kamui to something with it. Yes...  
  
"Ooh, Oban-Ryuuzaki finally got the Half-Baked-Twins to notice us. To think, it took them an entire three years." The second voice was a nails-on-blackboard type. The voice's owner was also almost Kamui's height, but she was clad entirely in green armor. Although her eyes very nearly matched her attire, her short, curly hair was mercifully a color which one might possibly find in nature, though definitely not in Japan. It was screaming, neon yellow. Okay, so it wasn't such a natural hair color. Fuuma considered pinning her to a wall instead of Kamui (by the throat, to boot!), but he would've never told her what he thought of doing to her to her face, because she carried with her a big-ass sword, and her voice actress in English also played Lina Inverse, from "The Slayers", who was an notorious mega-bitch-goddess of anime. Fuuma didn't know how well "the majesty of God" would stand against a well-placed Giga Slave.  
  
"Can it, _Fuu_," Umi replied through clenched teeth. "I was in the midst degrading them, in case you're too blind to notice that from all of the masturba—"

The two girls' petty squabbling was halted by a most horrific noise—Fuuma heard it and knew it well . . . an ominous "_glomple_"! . . .  
  
**_DUH-DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUHN!_ **  
  
All previous arguing came to a screeching halt at such a portentous peal of doom.  
  
"D-d-d-d-d-did. . . . sh-sh-sh-she. . . just. . . g-g-_GLOMPLE_?!" a wide-eyed Fuuma managed, after staring in awe and terror at the short, unnaturally pink-haired girl for several hours. This staring was quite the feat for Fuuma, too, considering he was afflicted with the dread disease SyphilSARAIDbiesHDilis. It was something he had cultivated in his spare time while musing on all of the myriad means in which he could creatively quash humanity. It was such outside-the-box thinking that had also given him the idea to blow up Ebisu with a few pop cans. That, and he found terminal illnesses extremely entertaining.  
  
Umi and Fuu immediately fell to their knees, worshipping the short, unnaturally pink-haired girl, who also happened to be donning red armor and a sword the size of Ikebukuro's Sunshine 60.  
  
"Honored Mistress Hikaru!" Umi and Fuu cried in sincere voices. "Has our impertinent whinging and arguing angered you? We offer our humblest apologies!" Umi and Fuu promptly clapped thrice, uttered a word which sounded something like, "Shishboom-PAZUZU!", and began to lick Hikaru's legs.  
  
Kamui glared blankly at the three.  
  
(Author: "T . T" See? That's what Kamuichan looks like right now.)  
  
Kamui cleared his throat.  
  
"Do you _mind_, baka-author?" Kamui piped up, maintaining a proper level of _uke bishounen_ angst. "We're _trying _to act out this inane fan fiction you regrettably placed us in."  
  
(Author: Excuse me. . . _what _did you just call me? ::: Kamuiesque glare ::: T . T)  
  
Kamui stamped his foot. "You heard me, baka! THIS 'FIC IS STUPID! I CURSE THIS 'FIC! I SPIT UPON THIS 'FIC! I TEAR IT UP, DEFILE ITS KEKKAI _SAKURAZUKAMORISHIKI_, BURN IT, AND THROW ITS FLAMING BITS OFF THE ROOF OF SUNSHINE 60 WHILE SHARING AN ICE CREAM WITH SUBARUSAN FROM THE PETIT RONDO IN ORDER TO CELEBRATE ITS DEMISE!"  
  
By this time, Kamui was foaming at the mouth. Fuuma pulled his script out of his ass-pocket and begins to flip through it.

Harukosan quickly popped in through Hikaru's forehead.

"Did I just hear a CLAMP character discussing . . . ICE CREEEEEEAAAAAM?! WHERE'STHESEXWHERE'STHESEX?!"  
  
"He's right, you know," Fuuma concurred, ignoring Haruko and seeming to critically analyze the script. "This 'fic truly sucks."  
  
(Author: o . o;;. . . I'm sorry that you feel that way.)  
  
"Now," Kamui said, heaving great gulps of air, starting to return to a state of relative sanity, "can we PLEASE just get this 'fic over with?"  
  
(Author: I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that, Dave.)  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" Kamui shrieked.  
  
(Author: Oh. . . .. . .nothing. . . )  
  
"That's it," Kamui muttered. . . his battle aura flared up, causing his irises to contract and turn yellow, SFX digitally remastered just for good measure. "FEEL MY RIGHTEOUS, _BISHOUNEN_

**_ANGST_!"**

(Author: ::: . . . fries ::: x.x. . . too. . . much. . . angst. . . ::: twitchingly incapacitated :::)  
  
"Now." Kamui grabbed Fuuma's script. "Hmm. . . what line were we on?"  
  
Umi looked up from her own script, having produced it from the depths of what clothing she lacked. "Line Eighty-Five, 'Now that (_beat_) is just (_beat_) disturbing.'" Kamui flashed Umi the übershiny look of a grateful _bishounen_. Umi and Fuu knelt back beside Hikaru and began to lick her legs once more.  
  
"Now that. . . is just. . . _disturbing_."  
  
Umi and Fuu leapt up to strangle Kamui, hissing vehemently and foaming slightly at the mouth.  
  
"SILENCE, INDOLENT CAPE-DONNER! YOUR CHERRY-PIT-SIZED MIND COULD NEVER BEGIN TO COMPREHEND THE IMPORTANCE OF APPEASING THE PILLAR OF CEPHIRO VIA THE RITUAL OF SHISHBOOM-PAZUZU!"  
  
Fuuma watched as the two crazed bitches killed Kamui, seeming to evaluate the situation with an abnormal amount of objectivity, given the circumstances. He began to weigh the outcomes' advantages aloud.  
  
"Hmm . . . let the scary insane people kill Kamui, thus destroying Tokyo Kekkai and thus RIDDING THE WORLD OF ALL WHO POLLUTE THIS PLANET . . . or help Kamui due to plot line continuum loyalties? What to do, what to do. . ." Fuuma smiled, abruptly going Super-Deformed Chibi-Fuuma.  
  
"Who else could I mutilate if Kamui died?!" With that, Fuu and Umi were smacked by Fuuma's psychotic psychic powers and promptly went flying across the observation deck's roof, releasing Kamui from their death-grip.  
  
Hikaru glompled perilously. Fuu and Umi jumped back to their feet.  
  
"OUR MISTRESS HATH DECLARED WAR 'PON YON CAPÉD ONES!"  
  
Kamui and Fuuma shot them another blank glare.  
  
"Okay, the whole shouting-screamy-insane-thing really doesn't do anything for your appeal to the fans," Fuuma said, breaking the silence. A strange expression came over his face. "Although, if you WISH to . . ." 

"Fuuma, don't go all 'genie-in-a-bottle' on me now!" Kamui said, irritation practically dripping from his voice.  
  
Umi shrieked. "That's IT! ENOUGH TALK! SELES!"  
  
At that moment, an enormous suit of blue armor similar to Umi's own descended to the Tokyo streets in a pillar of light. It promptly sat upon its haunches, panting and occasionally itching it's draconian muzzle with its hind legs. It seemed pleased to see its mistress, to say the least.  
  
"Beam me up, Minmei!" Umi cried out. As commanded, a beam of blue light shot out from the loyal Spirit's chest, enveloping the enraged Kishin. Once Umi had completely disappeared, the Spirit snapped to. It threw its head back, and a most upsetting sound issued forth from it. Kamui thought it was some sort of laughter, but, he was so deafened by it, he couldn't quite be sure.

Upon hearing the laughter, Sumeragi Subaru in all of his supreme bishounen glory ducked out from behind one of Tokyo Tawa's steel beams.

"Hokutochan? Was that you laughing just now?"

When Subarukun noticed Kamui staring at him longingly and drooling, he bolted, however, followed by masses of screaming fan girls.  
  
"Now, as I was saying," Umi spoke from within the Spirit, "EAT MY RIGHTEOUS MAGIC, CAPE-BOYS!"  
  
The Spirit did a funny dance, which called the words 'fusion, ha!' to mind. As it did so, moisture seemed to be gathering in the air around it.  
  
"Ooh, is it me, or is it getting steamy in here, Kamui?" Fuuma draped himself over Kamui's upper body. "Perhaps I should get some feathers and an iron rod, and we can help ourselves to some ice cr—"

Kamui calmly pushed him off. It was Fuuma's turn to face-fault.  
  
"IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" Kamui shouted. A golden, dome-shaped kekkai umbrella'd Tokyo Tawa in its protective light. Fuuma leapt up in glee.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Is it time for our daily dose of wanton destruction, fatal combat, witty banter, and self-gratifying injury with an underlying sexual and sadistic connotation?" His eyes had expanded SD-like roughly to the circumference of saucers, sparkling in exhilaration and anticipation. Kamui grudgingly nodded.  
  
"YIPEE!" Fuuma squealed. Kamui and Fuuma brandished their respective Shinken.

Fuuma paused for a moment, breaking his battle stance.

"Fuuma, what the hell are you doing?", Kamui whinged.

"I need to SHINE!, dearest Kamui," Fuuma replied as he ripped his leather SS-style trench coat away to reveal that he was wearing a sequined corset, a lacy thong, a garter belt, a black feather boa, fishnets, and huge stiletto shoes on underneath. Upon taking in this sight, Kamui smacked his Shinken to his forehead.

As if oblivious to Fuuma's transformation, the ominous Pillar glompled again, and Umi unleashed her attack.

"(insert symbol of obscure religious importance here) BLUE DISH DETERGENT! (insert symbol of obscure religious importance here)" The collective humidity erupted into a deadly rain of industrial by-products and Dawn dish detergent.  
  
Kamui and Fuuma joined hands and spun around in a circle, bubbles, flowers, and SHININESS! raining down upon them as they did so.  
  
"TWIN STAR POWER . . . ACTIVATE! FORM OF . . . JUDEO-CHRISTIAN SYMBOLOGY VAGUELY RELATED TO THE APOCALYPSE!"

Pentacles, pentagrams, hexagrams, crucifixes, Etz Chayyim, and feathers galore encircled Umi's spell as tinny theme music composed by Kanno Yoko played in the background. Abruptly, the music stopped. The sound of an audio tape being eaten echoed throughout the observation deck. After several awkward moments, Godzilla theme music kicked in.  
  
Okawa Ageha ran in briefly, drop-kicked the stereo, replaced it with one playing Satou Naoki's "Sadame", and ran back out, saying, "Gomen nasai, minasan!"  
  
As the two powerfully eccentric spells negate one another, Kamui and Fuuma separated again.  
  
"Whoa. . . that didn't work well, did it?" Fuuma remarked.  
  
"The world spins before me." Kamui reeled over and indulged in the "binging" part of his bulimia that kept him so thin and _uke_.  
  
Rather unexpectedly, a telepathic voice cut in.  
  
_No, Kamui! You must get up! Please, save the Earth!_ (©, copyright of CLAMP, 1991-2991)  
  
"Huh? What?" Kamui glanced about. A snow globe containing an albino midget appeared in a flash of light.  
  
Fuuma's eyes dilated, again. "Oooh . . . shiny . . . object . . ."  
  
_Kamui! You are Kamui—_  
  
"Oooh . . . shiny—hey, wait a minute, lil' wee lass!" Fuuma exclaimed. "_I _am Kamui."  
  
The albino inside of the snow globe gave Fuuma a blank glare. _Riiiiiiiiiiight, ::: coughPSYCHOcough :::. . . ._ Another bright flash of light shimmered on the far side of the observation deck. _Look! Shiny object! Go fetch it, boy!_ Fuuma stared at the light, mesmerized a moment.  
  
"Ooh . . . shiny . . . object!" He ran in its general direction.  
  
_Now that I've taken care of_ that _lunatic . . . (ahem) . . . Kamui! Please, save the Earth!_ (©, copyright of CLAMP, 1991-2991) Kamui rubbed his head, coming to.  
  
"Umm, freaky, prophetic people?" Fuu spoke up. "We're running a tight schedule here. This episode _can't _run over thirty minutes in length, and that's not even taking commercial breaks into account. Could you hurry it up? Us characters from a separate plot thread aren't going to remain inert long enough for you to regroup and defeat us much longer."  
  
_DON'T RUSH ME, BOMBSHELL!_ Hinoto lashed out at Fuu psychically, sending her into a state of unconsciousness and giving her dreams of her worst fear—Ferio suggestively eating pickles. Souhi and Hien readjusted Hinoto's kimono as she telepathically cleared her throat. _As I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted—Kamui, please save the Earth!_ (©, copyright of CLAMP, 1991-2991) _You are Kamui, which make you the one who represents the will of the incorrectly translated 'God'. You must save the Earth!  
_  
Hinoto drew Kamui into a dream of a sea of endless marshmallow fluff.  
  
_Behold! The Apocalypse!_  
  
"Umm . . . what's so bad about marshmallow fluff?" Kamui stooped downward, attempting to dip his right hand in the 'mallow fluff.  
  
_Ye, this is no mere fluff of the 'mallow. It is hellacious marshmallow fluff which reeks of sulfur and—  
_  
"SHIMATTA!" Kamui shrieked, sharply pulling his hand back from the sea of evil 'mallow fluff. It had burned him. Hinoto uttered the equivalent of a telepathic sigh of exasperation.  
  
_If you would just_ listen _to me for a moment, you'd know that it's hellacious marshmallow fluff which reeks of sulfur and sears the flesh of the living. And . . . although I did bring you to gaze upon the Apocalypse, I don't recall saying anything about_ touching _the Apocalypse.  
_  
"So? What do you want me to do about it?"  
  
_Umm . . . Please save the Earth!_ (©, copyright of CLAMP, 1991-2991) _That is all._ And, with that, the albino in her little snow globe disappeared.  
  
(Author: I return!)  
  
Kamui, glaring at the Author threatening, brandished Shinken-Number-Two  
  
(Author: o . o;; . . . oh, dear. . . umm. . .BACK TO WHERE WE PREVIOUSLY LEFT OUR HEROES!)  
  
"Kamui, we must try another form!" Fuuma yelled.  
  
"TWIN STAR POWER . . . ACTIVATE! FORM OF . . . APOCALYPTIC CHOCOBO!"  
  
Towering over the blue Spirit, a gigantic bird-like form materialized with one ominous syllable escaping its dread beak.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
"Wh-wh-what the hell IS that thing?!" Umi said in fright after gazing upon it in awe and terror. Again, it opened its beak.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
The Spirit bolted.  
  
"FUU! VENERABLE MISTRESS HIKARU! SAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Ascot appeared in an explosion and a cloud of violet smoke before Umi's Spirit.  
  
"Is it time for my spanking, yet, mommy?" Ascot inquired in an unsettling voice. Umi continued sprinting, driven by purest horror, plowing down Ascot and the Metropolitan Government Office Building in the process.  
  
The albino in the snow globe popped in once more.  
  
_Damn. They've defiled another kekkai. CURSE YOU, CHI NO RYUU!_  
  
Kotori's disembodied spirit stepped up from behind the albino in the snow globe.  
  
_Kotori? Wh-wh-what are you doing here? I thought I paid Fuuma off to kill y—_  
  
"Who cares about their kekkai? Let me 'defile' your 'kekkai', you sexy bitch!"  
  
_AH! NO! REMEMBER THE RESTRAINING ORDER, KOTORI! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITHIN ONE THOUSAND FEET OF ME! SOUHI! HIEN! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!_ The snow globe sped away from the disembodied Kotori, who quickly gave pursuit.  
  
"Wait, Hinoto! Let's make beautiful music together!"  
  
_I already bore your love child, Kotori! I even named her 'Emeraude', just like you wanted me to! NOW, LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!_  
  
"C'm'ere 'n' give mama some lovin', my sweet little, blind prophetess!"  
  
Hikaru stared after them, glompling in deep thought.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
Hikaru turned toward the gigantic, yellow eyesore of a bird. She glompled at it.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
She glompled in response, yet again.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
She glompled.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
She glompled, again.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
Once more, she glompled.  
  
"KWEGH!"  
  
Finally incensed by the indolent bird's blatant lack of importance to the already-inane plot line, she decided to rid the world of its sorry presence. Hikaru glompled a glomple which sounded vaguely like the word "Rayearth". The ground trembled, and another spirit, this one (Author: Can you guess? CAN YOU?! CAN YOU?!) having a red paint job, descended to the Earth in a pillar of light similar to the manner under which Seles descended.  
  
"MOON PRISM POWER! MAKE-UP!" Hikaru hollered.  
  
"Oh, my KAMUI (©, copyright of CLAMP, your supreme God whom you shall eternally worship despite the circular dialogue and millions of birds CLAMP has killed in order to make the feather effects possible in "X")!" Hokuto's reanimated corpse called out, still intertwined in the roots of Treesan. "She can speak in a real language! IT'S A MIRACLE! CELEBRATE, EVERYBODY!"  
  
Thousands of meters above the Earth's surface, Araël, the Angel of Birds, emerged. It struck up a chorus of 'HALLELUJAH's.  
  
On an alternate plane of reality, in Tokyo-3, Asuka tumbled to the floor of Misato's apartment.  
  
"NO! DON'T RAPE MY MIND! . . . not without rolling the requisite Kamui-bondage-footage, first! NO! CHAINS AND WHIPS, PLEASE! I WANT TO BE DOMINATED, NOT RELIVE MY MOTHER'S DOLL-FETISHES! NOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Kamui quirked an eyebrow. "Why exactly did Hokuto and Asuka make cameos?"  
  
(Author:. . . . umm. . . take it away, CLAMP.)  
  
(CLAMP: FORE-SHA-DOW-ING!)

(Author: Keep Handpuppet Theatre Alive!)

Fuuma, having abruptly been separated from Kamui, causing the Apocalyptic Chocobo to dematerialize, chimed in. "What's that? You wish to Foreshadowing-Rape us?" 

(Author: Look, we can rip off on kekkai-dot-org's in-jokes!)  
  
Awakening from her horrific dreams of Ferio's cucumber fetish, Fuu sat up.  
  
"You wish, cape-boy number two. CLAMP loves us Maho Kishi more than you two morons."  
  
"Which is why your series was six volumes long and ours is still in production after eighteen volumes?" Fuuma replied with a snide grin. Fuu's face reddened with anger. However, before she could chew his ear off, a sound that can be likened to distant thunder rolls across Tokyo.  
  
"What in Mokona's name is that?" Kamui inquired. Umi enshrouded in Seles was lumbering back toward Tokyo Tawa. Hikaru within Rayearth tapped her foot with catastrophic effects and pretended to check a nonexistent watch.  
  
Kamui rolled his eyes. "That's it. This fan fiction is _never_ going to end. I want out." He pulled his own script out from Fuu's hand-jewel and begin to tear it up page by page.  
  
(Author: ::: disturbingly gentle voice ::: . . . what are you doing, Dave?)  
  
Kamui clenched his hands into fists and bit down on his lip, as though restraining himself from shrieking. Finding Kamui's current expression quite amusing, Fuuma mimicked him.  
  
Kamui exploded . . .

¬ . ¬;;

. . . into song!  
  
(Author: To the tune of "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer".)  
  
"Seishirou got ran over by Subaru  
Walking home from Tokai, 'X'-mas Eve.  
You may say there's no such thing as _On'Myou_  
But, as for Hokuto and Kakyou, they believe."  
  
"He'd been raping too many _uke_

and Kanoe begged him not to go.  
But he forgot to 'feed' dear Treesan  
And so he staggered out into the snow."  
  
"When Satsuki found him 'X'-mas morning  
At the scene of the attack  
There were _ofuda _on his forehead  
And incriminating pentagrams on his back."  
  
Fuu and Fuuma chimed in on the refrain.  
  
"Seishirou got ran over by Subaru  
Walking home from Tokai, 'X'-mas Eve.  
You may say there's no such thing as _On'Myou_  
But, as for Hokuto and Kakyou, they believe."  
  
"Now we're all so proud of Fuuma,  
He's been taking this so well.  
See him in there watching _yaoi_,  
Drinking blood, and sending Seals to Hell."  
  
"It's not 'X'-mas without Seishirou,  
All the Seals are dressed in white.  
And Fuuma just can't help but wonder  
If he should've raped Subaru that night?  
Everybody!"

Imonoyamasan, Ijyuinsan, and Takamurasan showed up in full party attire, along with half of CLAMP School's students who were already quite inebriated.

"Seishirou got ran over by Subaru  
Walking home from Tokai, 'X'-mas Eve.  
You may say there's no such thing as _On'Myou_  
But, as for Hokuto and Kakyou, they believe."  
  
"Now Kotori's head is on the table  
And the pudding's made of flesh (ahhhh, flesh!)  
And there're black and blood-red candles,  
That would've matched Sei's hands when they weren't washed."  
  
"I've warned all the Chi no Ryuu,  
'Watch your asses, just like me!  
They should never give a license,  
To men who play with _shikigami_ and practice _T'ai Chi._'  
Sing it, Kanoe!"  
  
Suddenly, the Slut-Goddess herself, Miss Kanoe, was tangoing across the observation deck with Fuuma, cheek to cheek.  
  
"Seishirou got ran over by Subaru  
Walking home from Tokai, 'X'-mas Eve.  
You may say there's no such thing as _On'Myou_  
But, as for Hokuto and Kakyou, they believe."  
  
The musical number soon collapsed into a drunken orgy.  
  
(Author: Hmm . . . somehow, whenever I write a CLAMP fan 'fic, it always returns to this.) 

(Camuikun: Gee, I wonder why . . . baka . . . )  
  
A gigantic Ayanami Rei made of LCL fluid appeared in the sky abruptly. As soon as it was real, it began to melt away with profuse gore and spurts of LCL and blood. Anno Hideaki ran in, taking Satou Naoki's "X" Original Sound Track out of the CD player, and inserting "The End of Evangelion"'s OST, in its stead. "Turn Back Time", also known as "Kömm, Sußer Tod", began to blare throughout Tokyo Tawa's observation deck.  
  
"MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!" Annosan laughed maniacally, throwing his head back and his arms wide. "My version of the Apocalypse garners more international recognition and pulls a larger fan-base then yours, you infantile circle of female manga-ka! MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!"  
  
(Author: . . . T . T . . . hey . . . this isn't in the script.)  
  
Annosan turned to the Author. "I'm hijacking this 'fic! I shall make of it the most horrifically subversive and addicting crossover parody of all time, all the while mocking out all anime produced in the past decade as well as its cult following of otaku! MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!"  
  
(CLAMP: ::: coughOTAKUNOVIDEOREHASHcough ::: )

"What was that?" Annosan turned upon CLAMP with a fatal, Misatoesque glare.

(CLAMP: . . . n—. . . n-nani mo nai!)

(Author: . . . hoo, boy . . . and here I thought _I _was crazy. Can I at least turn this crappy, pseudo-pop piece-of-shit song laced with subliminal commands to worship Evangelion off?)  
  
Annosan paused a moment. "Uh . . ."  
  
(Author: Well?)  
  
A smirk of most evil intent crossed Annosan's face prettily. "I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that, Dave."  
  
(Author: . . . I suppose if you really want to lis—. . . wait one self-gratifying killing of central characters moment, there! _THAT-IS-MY-LINE_!)  
  
"Not anymore! MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!" With that, Annosan started a conga line weaving its way across the observation deck. The line of dancing bodies consisted solely of evil, fluffy sidekicks inserted into anime and manga series for the single purpose of lightening the mood. Among the participants. . . Mokona, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, the CLAMP School Fishiesan, and Pen-Pen.  
  
Umi, who had gotten quite hammered with Miyukichan during the musical number, came slowly to, witnessing the evil taking place below her. Seeing the Pikachu, she stomped down upon the observation deck with a shrill battle cry.  
  
"DIE, YOU FLUFFY, PISS-COLORED ILL EXCUSE FOR A FUSE BOX!" There was a sating sound of splattering pokemon innards and one last, weak 'piika'.  
  
"Oh, how I've _longed _to do that," Umi said.

Two unnamed idiots scream in the background . . . "Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaa . . . ."

(Author: ::: duly applauds ::: Low-quality, low-budget anime which lacks a plot line and/or character development must perish.)  
  
"Yes," Annosan answered, "but inane fan fictions written by untalented otaku are even more repulsing." 

(CLAMP: What's that, Annosan? Are you talking to the mirror again?)

Annosan coughed something which sounded something like, "DEVILMANRIPOFF". . .

At this point, Seles's- heel fell through the observation deck and destroyed most of Tokyo Tawa's support structure.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . well, that can't be good.)  
  
Not too far away, in the Four Seasons Hotel, Kudzuki Kakyou awoke.  
  
(Author: Damn, is it the Promised Day, already?)  
  
(CLAMP: ::: checking their watches ::: Apparently so.)  
  
(Author: Darn. Forgot to shower.)  
  
(CLAMP: Silly otaku. Go buy more of our merchandise.)  
  
(Author: ::: mesmerized ::: o . o. . . . yes . . . mistresses . . .)  
  
Annosan cleared his throat. "Uh . . . guys . . . Mokona's inflating and turning a funky color . . . is something wrong with it?"  
  
(CLAMP: How should we know? It's only at our whim and foil.)  
  
As Mokona's body expanded ever larger, all of Tokyo fell into ruin. Then, a light burning brighter than even Kasumi Karen's pyrokinesis filled the skies.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . hoo, boy. This isn't good. According to our "Mokona For Dummies" book, when Mokona inflates and turns a funky color, it means that Mokona's forcing all of the anime and manga universes to merge into one giant multiverse created solely for the purpose of producing inane anime parodies.)  
  
Annosan cackled maniacally. "MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH! MY PLAN IS WORKING! COWER, MERE MORTALS!"  
  
(Author: ::: having several garbage bags full of CLAMP character plushies slung across his back ::: Well, now, I guess my 'fic isn't going to end, now, after all. MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!)  
  
A scene much like in the fourth volume of "Oh, My Goddess!" when Urd and the Urn containing the Ultimate Destruction Program laughing in synchronization ensued between Anno Hideaki and the Author.  
  
(Author: MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!)  
  
Hideaki cackled maniacally.  
  
"MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!"  
  
(CLAMP: FORE-SHA-DOW-ING!)

(Author: KEEP THE HAND-PUPPET THEATRE ALIVE!)

Kamui angsted. "Curse you, stupid, never-ending 'fic."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
in Episode 2 of "Oh, My Kamui!"™. . .  
"**_THE DIABOLICAL CAMEO_**"!!! 

(**Camuikun**: I've been forced to listen to this fan fiction one too many times! . )

(**Jess**: What she said. ¬ . ¬;; )

(**Hotarusama**: . . . T . T . . . you'd _better _not have been making fun of CLAMP . . . )

(**The Cricket**: . I dunno, I kinda liked it. Quirkiness. )

(**Author**: ::: brandishes his Mallet of Imminent Doom™ )

(**Camuikun**: O . O! )

(**Jess**: O . O! )

(**The Cricket**: O . O! )

(**Author**: . That's what I thought, bitches. )

(**Hotarusama**: . . . T . T . . . )

(**Author**: Umm. . . okies. . . o . o;; ::: runs, now ::: )

(**Kaichousama**: I AM NATAKU! WOOOOOOOOOO!)


	2. Oh, My Kamui!™, Chapter II: The Diabolic...

"**Oh, My Kamui!"™  
Episode 2  
"The Diabolical Cameo"  
**

**Intermission: 0.1**

Darkness. Everything was void. Abyss. Null. Darkness. And then . . . a ripple. White as freshly fallen snow which had just been pissed upon by a mutt, a feather had fallen upon the surface of his swimming pool. He was sitting in his intertube, wearing a loose, white kimono."I have dreams," he spoke into a handheld recorder. "And in these dreams, I see the Future. Two takes on the Apocalypse and the appearance of two Authors . . . I know this as well."  
  
Soon, piss-colored feathers began to rain down onto his pool. He nearly leapt out of his intertube in a vexed manner.  
  
"Mokona damn it, CLAMP, where did you get these piss-colored feathers from?! They're so second-rate!"  
  
(CLAMP: ::: high up in the wings ::: . Gomen nasai.)  
  
"What?!" Kakyou shouted. "Only a 'gomen nasai'? No 'sumimasen, Kudzukisama'? I am the narrator of your _raison d'être_, lest you forget!"   
  
(CLAMP: "_raison d'être_"? We wouldn't call "X" that . . . I mean, we do have other manga, and "X" isn't our only reason to exist. Besides, you're only the narrator in the OVA.)  
  
"That's it." Kakyou jumped out of his intertube and waded through his swimming pool. As he climbed out, an attendant scurried dutifully to him, wrapping him up in a multilayered bathrobe. After he seemed comfy, the attendant pulled a paper fan from her pocket and began to air her master. Kakyou started at a brisk pace toward the exit.  
  
(CLAMP: Damn it . . . we do need him. . . who else would narrate "X"?. . . Kakyou! Wait a moment!)  
  
Kakyou continued on is merry way. Plucking a frappecino from his attendant's right and ready hands, he closed his eyes and sipped at it as he went.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . umm . . . SUMIMASEN, KUDZUKISAMA!)  
  
Kakyou stopped.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . we'll . . . umm. . . give you a raise, if you promise to finish your work on "X". . .)  
  
Kakyou whistled nonchalantly.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . and . . . and. . . we'll. . . throw in that chinchilla farm you've been coveting.)  
  
Kakyou idly checked his nails. "And?"  
  
(CLAMP: . . . damn it, do we have to?!)  
  
Kakyou sighed. "Do you want your life-work to be narrated?"  
  
(CLAMP: . . . please, Kakyou . . . we'll give you anything . . . riches, power, bishoujo fan girls, bishounen cast members, we'll even resurrect Hokuto! ANYTHING BUT THAT!)   
  
Kakyou raise his eyebrows. "I will settle for nothing less."  
  
(CLAMP: FINE! We'll write a scene of you dressed as Frank N. Furter, singing "Sweet Transvestite" into the manga! Are you happy, now?)   
  
Kakyou turned around, going Super-Deformed Chibi-Kakyou. "HAAAAAAAAAI!"  
  
(CLAMP: Now, get to work!)  
  
Kakyou threw his bathrobe off and flung the frappecino across the sound stage for his attendant to clean up. He skipped back to the pool and dived right back onto his intertube. Once Kakyou's kimono had settled over the water, Ikari Gendou folded his hands, obstructing the view of his mouth, and called action.  
  
"I am Kakyou . . . one of the Seven Dealahz—the Dragons of Crack. A dreamseer who sees the future within dreams. Where did I come from? Why can I foretell the future? Will this accursed fan fict—"  
  
"CUT!" Gendou called. He stood up and stepped from his director's chair to the edge of the pool. "Kakyou. You are a sucky Evangelion pilot. I'm afraid that because you are unable to kill your own best friend, we must render you inconsequential and take direct control of your Eva via the Dummy Plug System."

Somewhere in Central Dogma, Ibukichan eagerly awaits the orders to switch to Dummy Plug.

"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease! I'll finally DO something that's important to the plot! Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!"

Kakyou blinked, staring at Gendou a moment. "Who the hell hired this loon?"  
  
(Annosan: MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH! I return! And this time, I get OOC mun-bubbles, just like the Author and CLAMP! MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH!)  
  
(CLAMP: ::: points to Annosan ::: He did. And, next time, Kudzukisama, get it right; Gendou is not a loon, but a filicidal, uxoricidal bastard with a mean inferiority complex.)   
  
Ignoring CLAMP's comment, Kakyou shot daggers at Annosan with his eyes. "I'll see to it that you never work in this 'fic again. Now, can we PLEASE just get this shoot over with?"   
  
"Action."  
  
"Where did I come from? Why can I foretell the future? Will this accursèd fan fiction ever end? That no longer matters to me, now; everything has become meaningless to me. It happened when I lost the person I cared so mu—"   
  
(CLAMP: Insert Hokuto's Death Scene/Nostalgia here.)  
  
A few moments later . . .  
  
"That was the moment that my pet, GodChilla died. There's nothing for me, anymore. I can't feel anything . . . all I ca—"  
  
Kakyou was interrupted by the distinct sound of laughter from the OOC plane. Clearing his throat, he tried again, overannunciating the words.  
  
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING . . . ALL I CAN DO I—"  
  
(Annosan: WAUGH HAUGH HAUGH! Oh, god, CLAMP, where did you come up with such a hilarious line?)  
  
(CLAMP: T . T . . . what's so funny about it?)  
  
(Annosan: Imagine this; Nataku with its hand down its pants, proclaiming: "I can't feel anything.")  
  
(CLAMP: You are one sick, twisted man, Hideaki.)  
  
(Annosan: And you are an infantile circle of female manga-ka.)  
  
(CLAMP: ::: sullenly brandishes Fuuma :::)   
  
(Annosan: o . o;;. . .)  
  
(CLAMP: Eh heh heh.)   
  
(Annosan: ::: very freaked out :::)  
  
(Fuuma: ::: monosyllabic expressions of rage :::)  
  
(Annosan: Fuuma, you are big and scary, I leave now.)

(Random Passerby: HURRAY FOR HAND-PUPPET THEATRE!)  
  
(CLAMP: You may continue, Kakyou.)  
  
"Ugh, finally."  
  
Kakyou cleared his throat—AGAIN.  
  
"I can't feel anyth—"   
  
(CLAMP: ::: bursts into laughter :::)  
  
Kakyou glares sullenly at the four mistresses of CLAMP.  
  
"Do you want me to narrate? I still have my slave attendant girl and my dignity. I can still walk out on you."  
  
(CLAMP: We're sorry, but . . . really . . . he was right . . . Nataku reciting that line . . . we shall resurrect Nataku in Book Nineteen for the sole purpose of saying "I can't feel anything" . . .)  
  
Kakyou continues to glare.  
  
(CLAMP: . . . o . o;; . . . oh. . . uh. . . SUMIMASEN, KUDZUKISAMA!)  
  
"I can't FEEL ANYTHING . . . all I can do is sell myself on the street corners for a decent price. I'll continue to whore myself and see the future in my dreams . . . and dream of the scores of inane chapters to come . . . I'll just keep _prostituting_ . . ."  
  
Piss-colored feathers begin to rain from the wings, again. The camera zooms in upon toy globe, focusing on the area of Tokyo. Shots of Godzilla combating King Ghidorah are edited in to represent the meeting of the Dragons of Heaven and the Dragons of Earth. Cardboard boxes representing Ikebukuro Sunshine 60, the Nakano Sun Plaza, the Metropolitan Government Offices, Tokyo Tawa, Ginza, the Rainbow Bridge, and Tokyo Station are blown to bits.  
  
"Guided by the crooked mind of an otaku Author, the Dragons of Hummers, the Seven Strawberries, and the Dragons of Crack, the Seven Dealahz, will gather . . . and, so, too, will the one who holds to most contempt of all for this fan fiction's shoddy plot line . . .KAMUI!"  
  
A shot of Kamui . . . umm . . . defiling the cardboard box representing Tokyo Tawa is displayed.  
  
"Even if they meet, even if they hurt one another, even if they love one another, even if they kill this god-forsaken otaku of an Author . . ."  
  
There is a montage of first, Fuuma raping Kamui, then of Sorata and Arashi dressed up in drag, then of Satsuki giving Yuzuriha and Yuuto the tentacle "treatment" . . . on and on, one after another, scenes of self-gratifying CLAMP orgies are flashed across the screen.  
  
". . . my prostitution is always . . . one. One thousand dollars per hour, that is."  
  
(Cthulhu: ::: walks in, nodding to CLAMP in acknowledgement ::: 'ey, Ladies.)   
  
(CLAMP: O . O!!! C-C-C-C-C-C—!)  
  
"OH, WHAT IN THE GRAND ORGASM'S NAME IS IT, NOW?!" Kakyou wailed, nearly falling from his intertube into the water again.  
  
(CLAMP: CTHULHU!)  
  
(Cthulhu: ::: looking down upon Kakyou disparagingly ::: What's up with _this _bitch?)  
  
Kakyou's eyes widened in fury.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU GREEN, TENTACLED FREAK!? I AM THE FUCKING STAR OF THIS SERIES! I AM CLAMP'S FUCKING NARRATOR! I RULE 'X', FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES! COWER BEFORE MY _BISHOU_ _YUMEMINESS_!" Kakyou's face was spattered with his own spit. He had turned a resplendent shade of magenta.  
  
(CLAMP: Umm . . . aren't you being a bit presumptuous, Kakyou?)  
  
Kakyou's slave attendant girl coolly handed him a large, red croquet mallet which he proceeded to wield in a most threatening manner.  
  
(CLAMP: . SUMIMASEN, KUZUKISAMA!)  
  
(Cthulhu: Whoa, whoa, whoa! HOLD ON ONE GREEN, TENTACLED, FREAKISH MOMENT! Last I checked, CLAMP had offered up their souls to ME in order to ensure the success of their cliché manga concerning my awakening known as "X". ::: produces a contract documenting the selling of CLAMP's souls to Cthulhu in exchange for a psychotic fan-base from the depths of its tentacles ::: See, they are my bitches, lowly character, _not_ yours.)  
  
Kakyou swung the croquet mallet at Cthulhu.   
  
(Cthulhu: ::: glares at the mallet . . . it bursts into a million slimy, green leeches :::)  
  
Dropping the leeches, Kakyou glowered, preparing his hands and a light source.  
  
(Cthulhu: Ah, so you wish to shadow-puppet-battle me! So be it, _bishounen_ mortal! MWAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH HAUGH! ::: thunder crashes and lightning flashes :::)  
  
(Author: ::: sidles on in ::: Yo, yo, yo, w'az'up, CLAM—::: spots Cthulhu :::)  
  
(Cthulhu: ::: stares ::: T . T)  
  
(Author: O . O!!! C-C-C-C-C-C—)   
  
(Cthulhu: I know, I know! ::: exasperated sigh :::)   
  
(Author: CTHULHU! ::: falls to his knees, worshipping :::)

Kakyou disregarded the author, folding his hands in just such a manner to create the shadow of a giant Tokyo-eating squid creature.

(Squid-Creature-Shadow: RRAAR!)

(Cthulhu: ::: smirking ::: Nice, but I can do better.)

Kakyou shot Cthulhu a glare in challenge to this claim.

(Cthulhu: ::: produces from a small gesture of his hands a shadow in the likeness of Cutie Honey post-transformation :::)

(Cutie-Honey-Shadow: ::: boing-boing! :::)

Kakyou stared in pure fear and disbelief as the Cutie Honey shadow proceeded to trounce his giant Tokyo-eating squid creature shadow.

"N-n-NO!" Kakyou cried out. "I CAN'T LOSE! I AM _BISHOUNEN_! I CANNOT BE DEFEATED! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(Cthulhu: Bitch bes' recognize.)

(Author: Now, before this gets any messier, let's start where we left our heroes last!)

**end Intermission**

Stretching, then yawning, Kamui turned over, not wanting to get up for school, yet. He sat in bed a moment, listening to his alarm clock buzz.

"Well," he murmured groggily, "at least that crazy fan 'fic was all just a drea—"

He was cut off by a piercing pain in his ear. Something had bitten him!

"Mmrrow! YOU HAVE TO GET UP, USAKO! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE AGAIN!"

Kamui leapt up sharply, pulling at whatever was clamped onto his ear, and shrieking. Whatever it truly was, it felt an awful lot like a cat. Ceasing his panic a moment to get a clear look at what he was holding, Kamui discovered it didn't just feel like a cat—it _was _a cat. A black cat . . . with large, shoujo red eyes and an odd, crescent-shaped scar on its forehead.

"Why the hell are you biting my ear?" Kamui asked in the most flat voice he could manage.

Releasing her hold on Kamui's ear and landing nimbly upon the bed, the cat turned its head, examining Kamui in a most peculiar fashion.

"You're not . . . Usagi . . . ," she managed.

"Oh, no . . . ," Kamui gasped, his eyes widening in realization. "No! NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!"

Kamui bolted out of a room filled with oversized stuffed animals and pictures of some strange man in a tux, wearing a white masque, running down stairs which seemed vaguely familiar, although he knew in the most terrified depths of his soul that he had _never_ been in this place before.

As Kamui made for the front door with all speed, a voice that was most definitely familiar called out to him.

"Ohayo, Kamuichan! Where are you going in such a hurry?" Kamui would've recognized that terrible _kansaijin_ accent anywhere . . . sure enough, peeking into the kitchen of this homey, little two-level house in Odaiba which he was certain he'd never been inside of prior to his imprisonment within the fan fiction, Kamui descried the seventeen year old monk from Kouyasan, seated at the table, reading the _yomiuri_.

Arisugawa was not alone, however . . . in fact, the table was quite crowded. A decidedly Caucasian, redheaded girl who looked about Kamui's own age was stirring a bowl of cold oatmeal to Sorata's left. To his right, a feral looking youth with a mass of raven hair and chestnut eyes sat, wearing only a threadbare, crimson tunic and a pair of tanned breeches. On the opposite end of the table, a girl slightly older than Kamui and (for some ineffable reason) reminding him strongly of Subarusan was voraciously gobbling down ice cream. What looked like a creampuff with rabbit ears and a ruby set in its forehead was perched precariously on her left shoulder, _puu-puu_ing tranquilly.

They all had apparently stopped eating their breakfasts to stare at Kamui. The Subaru-ish girl had even neglected to remove the spoon from her mouth.

"Sorakun? You're here? B-but—how? And . . . w-who ar—"

Sorata stood, the sound of his chair grating against the floor interrupting Kamui.

"Kamuichan," Sorakun beamed at Kamui with that goofy grin of his, "meet Souryuu Asuka Langley, Van Slanzar deFanel, Sumeragi Hokuto, and Mokona Modoki."

Kamui promptly fainted.

"What's up with _daß_ _klein weibchen_?" Asuka intoned in her typical, vulgar manner.

"He's got...emotional baggage," Sorata replied, with an empty-handed gesture. "Lots and lots of it."

Van got up, aiding Sorata in picking Kamui's unconscious body up from off of the floor and laying it down on the living room sofa. Hokuto had also risen, if only to study the collapsed bishounen.

"Hmm . . ." She rubbed her chin, as if in deep thought, before brightly exclaiming, "He reminds me of onichan!"

"You know him, Sorakun?" Asuka said, speaking into her oatmeal.

"You could say that."

Asuka's sea-green eyes narrowed in that contemptuously curious way that only she could pull off. She, too, rose from her chair, and walked to Sorata in a seemingly harmless manner. She smiled coolly at him, lilting her head downward as she closed her eyes almost graciously. However, the smile rapidly shifted to a grim snarl as the heel of her right foot bore down into Sorata's left.

"ITAI-ITAI-ITAI-ITAI!" Sorata wailed. Hokuto watched with a genuine interest as Asuka assaulted the poor kansaijin, but Van merely crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the nearest wall in the most nonchalant fashion that he could muster.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW _DAß KLEIN WEIBCHEN_!" she shrieked.

"ITAI—I—ITAI—I—CAN'T SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE—ITAI—BLUDGEONING ME—ITAIIIIIIIIII!"

Asuka stepped back for a moment, an almost-sinister grin passing over her face as she dropped the wooden chair she had moments ago been beating Sorata over the head with.

"_Gut_, you're ready to tell then?"

Sorata glared at her in sheer shock. "I would've told you straightaway if you hadn't jumped on me!"

"Just answer the question, _arschloch_."

Sorata inhaled, trying to regain a bit of his comical composure. "Kamui and I are destined to protect the Earth from destruction. We're two of the Seven Seals, the Dragons of Heaven. In whatever world we were from, we were fighting the Angels to save Tokyo and the world—"

"_Ten no Ryuu_?!"

"_Die Engel_?!"

Asuka and Hokuto seemed to both have gasped in awe simultaneously before awkwardly exchanging glances and withdrawing. After a pause, Van spoke.

"Wait a moment . . . what do you mean by 'whatever world' you're from?"

Sorata grimaced.

"Something happened, not too long ago. I'm pretty sure no one _really _knows just what happened, but . . ."

"But, what?" Asuka inquired.

"Something's not right. You all know it just as well as I do. This city may look like Tokyo—which I've grown rather accustomed to—but each and every one of us knows that this isn't where we're _supposed _to be. Something caused our worlds to change."

"I must say, Arisugawa, I am impressed," Van said. "You initially struck me as an empty-headed idiot—"

"Well, I _did _read this postcard in the mail that explained the whole world-crisis-thing addressed to Shinpanikke Residence," Sorakun responded, going genki SD for a brief moment. The others face-faulted profusely.

"And you didn't tell us about it, _sie bastard_?!" Asuka shouted, leaping off of the floor and grabbing Sorata by the collar of his shirt.

"Sure I did," he smiled at her nervously. "Just now!"

Asuka uttered another curse in German, thundering back into the kitchen to read the postcard.

"Oh, and before you attack me with that pretty sword of yours, Vansan, a letter came for you, too." Van nodded, following Asuka. Sorata shuddered, imagining what life without Arashi, in a house with _daß hochrot Deutsch_ was going to be like. He sincerely hoped it wouldn't last too long.

Sorata's reminiscing of Arashi was interrupted by the cracking, pubescent scream of Van. He hurried to the kitchen half-ready to construct his cubical _kekkai _and bust out with the _mikkyou_. The King of Fanelia was squirming in a corner of the room, pawing at the walls so that he seemed to be attempting to escape, but finding himself boxed in. Asuka looked up to Sorata, met his gaze, and then looked back down at Van.

"What in Mokona's name is he doing?" Sorata hollered. "I thought Fuuma was raping someone in here—I could've killed either of you!" Asuka simply pointed to a picture which had fallen to the floor near Van. Sorata stepped toward Van, stooping down to snatch up the picture.

"**_SHIMATTA_**!"

Bent forward in the picture in just such a manner that only a 100, top-grade piece of meat could was the most sexy, voluptuous, _bishoujo_-ly fuckable woman Sorata had ever laid eyes upon. Her wavy black hair tumbled over her shoulders, with just a hint of an indigo-violet undertone. She was smiling as though she knew exactly what kind of _naughty _things were she had running through his head. A red-and-yellow-striped, spaghetti-string tank top was barely managing to hold back her well-proportioned bust (he would've sworn he could make out the edge of . . . umm. . . o . o). The only other scrap of clothing she wore was a pair of cut-offs short enough to pass for a bikini.

The picture was addressed to Van and read something like this:

"To Van

I'm going to pick you up, so please wait for me!

P. S. _Note the cleavage_!"

An arrow was drawn from the Post Script to the woman's marvelous breasts. Just beneath it, she had left the scarlet imprint of a kiss.

Sorata fell to the floor, his head lolling about in a puddle of his own drool.

"Mommy!" he murmured in a dreamy, . . . _distracted_ . . . voice.

(Author: Oy vey, Sorakun es muy cornéo. - . -;;)

(Hotarusama: This is _not _funny, Otakusama. T . T)

(Author: Blame it on the rain? yes, we can rip-off on Milli Vanilli, too!)

(Hotarusama: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!)

(Author: . . . umm, okay . . . uhh . . . blame it on fan-servicing?)

"_Schwein_," Asuka muttered, shaking her head, and continuing to read the ominous post card once more.

Kamui mumbled in his unconscious state something about "kill" and "damn evil author", which Hokuto readily ignored as she dragged him off to her room . . . he had given her some new ideas—she had _plans _for him.

**Intermission: 0.2**

(Author: Well that was just _grand_, now wasn't it?)

(CLAMP: ::: tied to chairs and gagged ::: O x O!)

(Annosan: ::: in similar predicament ::: O x O!)

(Author: And, you know what? We're all just going to sit tight and watch the rest of it.)

(CLAMP: o . o. . . . ::: muffled sound of screaming. . . something like "Help us, Cthulhu!")

(Author: What's that? You want to watch more? Good!)

(Mysterious, Off-Camera Voice: OTAKUSAMA! YOUR REIGN OF FAN 'FIC TERROR ENDS NOW!)

(Author: Whosaidthat?!)

In a puff of brilliant, green smoke and a few emerald tongues of flame, Camuikun appears.

(Camuikun: I DID!)

(Author: . . . oh. It's . . . _you_ . . . T . T)

(Camuikun: Otakusama, you shall pay for you lack of manners and crappy use of awkward dialogue! ::: brandishes a Spheda club :::)

(Author: Now, now, Caddychan, let's be all be _rational_ . . . )

(Camuikun: ::: runs at the Author, wildly flailing her Spheda club about ::: WAAAAAAUUUGH!)

(Author: O . O! NOWBEFOREI'MKILLED, BACKTOWHEREWELASTLEFTOUTHERO—!)

**end Intermission**

"_He, perversling, sein sie aufwachen, schon_?"

Asuka nudged Sorata's still-limp body with a foot.

"_Schwein_?"

She shrugged, walking away from the hormonal monk. Asuka's eyes flickered upward briefly, checking to see as to whether the somewhat prudish and now blatantly inexperienced Van had recovered. Although he was no longer panicking, the otherworldly king had yet to regain his fragilely antisocial composure. Asuka grinned snidely.

"What's the matter, the great Vansama afraid of a smutty little picture?"

Van's eyes narrowed at Asuka. He stood, dusting himself off and looking quite indignant at her ridiculing. He fingered the hilt of his sheathed blade almost eagerly, and then stopped a moment, considering what he was doing.

"Eh, _sie scheide_. Your synch rate's probably _scheiße_. Not even worth my time."

Asuka found her way to the couch in the living room and decided to watch reruns of a strange—yet hilarious—show called "FLCL". . . probably pre-Second Impact programming, judging by the quality of the animation. After several hours of vegetating and channel surfing, Asuka was just about to get up . . .

. . . when Hokuto walked into the room tailed by the most peculiar person.

She couldn't be sure, but underneath all the bows, pink chiffon, lace, and ribbons, was Kamui, quite thoroughly disoriented, obviously still too weak from his mental trauma to fend off a Sumeragi on a mission. Hokuto beamed, proudly displaying her latest creation for all to see. Kamui was wearing licentiously scarlet-hued fishnet stockings à la Dior, a puffy, white tutu, a brilliantly rose leotard adorned in a mass of black and violet bows, and a red leather overcoat with long tails which were dragging on the hardwood floor behind Kamui as he went. The overcoat was covered in pins and buttons all proclaiming the importance of penguins with vibrant, orange lettering. A black, silken top hat sat upon Kamui's head as the _pièce de la résistance_, neon blue and pink embroidery weaving its way over the hat.

"Oompa Loompas!" Asuka screamed compulsively, too much of the word escaping before she was able to clap her hands over her mouth.

"Glad you like it, Asuka," Hokuto said with a satisfied smile before erupting into a fit of head-splitting, high-pitched laughter. There was something _very _wrong with this girl. Mokona was dancing gleefully around Kamui's feet, which were fitted in mismatched leather boots looking somewhat oversized on Kamui.

"Mokona, Kamuichan will make a wonderful wife for Subarukun, won't he?" Hokuto's twittering laughter rang throughout the room again.


End file.
